Aaaaaand welcome back to a new season of Idol and this liveblog thing we do.
Is this the Tron version of Idol?
I’m looking forward to some Harry Connick Jr. shenanigans. I hope there are shenanigans. Also there are J.Lo’s boobs, in case you wanted to see those.
What the hell?
You know, this wasn’t the only season like this, I think. One other season they didn’t let people perform. Don’t recall which, though.
Still. The judges will call their top ten and then… the other five… what? Skulk away? Is that what skulk means, or does skulk imply some kind of misdeed in progress?
Randy said some things. I didn’t listen.
Why not just use this time to let them sing?
“Spiritual advisors”? Barf.
How does the religious leader feel about Adam Lambert?
Kind of a #slatepitch, but I prefer when the season has some terrible performances and some good ones. Too polished overall just makes everything samey.
“Samey” being the technical term, of course
How it worked in the previous year was that they watched the dress rehearsal of each one and chose based on that.
Majesty Rose chosen as first woman allowed to sing.
Majesty is singing the Pharrell song “Happy”
That seemed a little safe and kinda boring and overall whatever. Which is too bad, because I have a vague idea I liked Majesty.
Harry: Fantastic job.
Keith: That was great.
Certainly an interesting song choice. I just hope we’re not back to season 10-11’s trend of every song getting great reviews every time.
So Ricky Minor was unfired?
Do Southerners think the way they say “insurance” in State Farm commercials is totally weird and wrong?
The most common review in semifinals for seasons 1-7 was Randy and Simon negative, Paula mixed.
Kristen O’Connor chosen to sing as the second singer.
Hmm, Adele. The question is will she sing it as well as Gwyneth Paltrow that one time on Glee?!?!?! I can only make references to season 1, but make them I shall.
Kristen is singing Adele’s Turning Tables
Mmf. I dunno. That was pretty enough. But something seemed a little off somehow. And I think she was ahead of the music at one point. Or hell maybe it’s supposed to be that way and I just don’t remember.
Harry: Really powerful. Nice job.
Keith: A lot of special stuff in there.
Jennifer: This is the tip of the iceberg with you
That is not a good song.
Seacrest should ask them questions a la Miss America so they seem really stupid. That would be entertaining.
I think it would be dismaying how many of them only believe in “opposite marriage”.
Briana Oakley is the third singer.
The coaches are giving poor Briana acting lessons, or trying to
Briana is singing Warrior by Demi Lovato
Having Briana perch awkwardly like that is not doing her any favors. She’s not fat, but she’s not super thin, and that pose didn’t work. She’s standing now: that’s better.
This is not in tune.
Keith: “Hey audience, she doesn’t suck, she just… uh, sucked a little bit right then”
I think a young Whitney Houston was pretty much Whitney Houston, which Briana ain’t quite.
Keith: In the zone the last quarter of it.
Jennifer: The performance quality needs to come together.
Harry: You did a fine job. High notes aren’t … triple axels(?)
I think Harry means “oh my god don’t turn this into a caterwauling contest” which the females often do. Like poor Siobhan Magnus who basically just started shrieking for part of every song after Simon praised her for it.
Is that what passes for bad reviews now? The subtext was: Keith said 3/4 of it was disconnected, Harry thought it was just ok and she probably thought it was better than it was, and Jennifer was saying that she doesn’t think Briana will get a chance to show her stuff again.
Lay off Siobhan.
I liked Siobhan! But she did! And it was not better for her.
The fourth girl to sing is Jena Irene
All I really know about her is “It’s jean-uh. Not jenn-uh.”
This girl was the only one whose audition we didn’t see. She was in the group with a girl that disappeared for the whole night.
Jena is singing Paint It, Black by the Rolling Stones
I don’t get what the hell these people are talking about. That was verging on bad karaoke.
I think under the right circumstances I might could be a fan of Jean-uh-not-jenn-uh. Paint it Black wasn’t, uh, the right circumstance.
Jennifer: You pulled it out at the end.
Harry: Nice job.
Keith: Really good.
FACT CHECK: I think people probably are watching the Olympics.
These are like the only commercials I watch. Commercials are boring.
Bria Anai will be the fifth woman to sing.
Almost everything about Bria is sparkly, which is a valid lifestyle
Bria is singing Wrong Side of a Love Song by Melanie Fiona
This is really really bad.
Unfortunately her singing just doesn’t sound that good. It’s loud and she sings it like she means it, but I don’t wanna listen to something that sounds like that.
Whenever they mention the looks, that ain’t good.
I really like JLo’s earrings
Harry: It felt very shouted.
Keith: You overshot the runway.
Jennifer: As you got excited it got away from you.
Well, that answers that. Simon got booed on half of all reviews. Harry, 1/5 so far.
The sixth girl is Marialle Sellars.
Marialle Sellars, aka Black Miley Cyrus
Marialle doing Roar by Katy Perry
Is her in-ear monitor not adjusted correctly? Why does she sound so bad?
Oh god it just gets worse and worse. I think she can do better than this: why is this so terrible?
It doesn’t get much worse than that, honestly.
Jennifer: Not the best showcase
Harry: Not in tune, not in the pocket.
Tonight has been kind of dismal.
The only thing so far this year that I thought was kind of exciting was Kenzie Hall doing that Macklemore song. If she isn’t picked I’ll be annoyed.
The 7th girl is Jessica Meuse.
Daughtry disses Jessica’s guitar skillz
Jessica is singing Luke Bryan’s Drink a Beer.
Did she choose a song that does nothing for her deliberately? At least it’s less appalling than some of the others tonight.
I’d legitimately much rather be watching curling.
Harry Connick Jr. corrects his own grammar <3
Jennifer: I hope we get to see more of your.
Harry: Intonation (out of tune). You didn’t settle into what the song was about.
Keith: Be careful about singing a song about that and smiling.
The eighth singer is Emily Piriz.
I don’t remember anything about Emily Piriz.
I hope she sings in something like a key
Emily is singing Paris (Ooh la la) by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals
I think this is fine, but generally it’s not great for a singer to keep doing the same song over and over again.
Oh Harry, quit being a prude
Harry: Do you actually want to be down on the floor?
Keith: Being an artist isn’t about appearing to be something.
Jennifer: I really loved it. You were comfortable.
The ninth singer is M.K. Nobilette
MK is doing John Legend’s All of Me.
Well this is better than what we’ve been seeing for the past few girls. Although Emily was a’ight I guess.
This is competent, but kind of boring.
Keith: A perfect song choice. Really beautiful.
Jennifer: I loved it so much.
Harry: Elegant. You belong here.
That’s probably my personal prejudice, since John Legend is one of the most overrated artists out there.
Bayesian Scooby Doo gang would start by trying to pull the monster’s mask off. The probability is that it would work. The downside is high, though, if it turns out to be a real monster.
Ben Briley rounds out the Top 15.
The tenth singer is Malaya Watson.
No Kenzie Hall. BS.
Malaya is not singing this very well, to start with
Malaya is doing Hard Times by Ray Charles
This is like an approximation of the blues. Not great for me at all.
I really suspect the sound mix in their monitors is off or something, because so many of them just sounded kinda terrible.
Or they’re pushing us toward a guy winner by picking women who fall apart on stage
Jennifer: You’re amazing.
Harry: I look forward to you settling down.
Keith: It was over the top.
Oh we’re going to LOOK at the contestants again? Gee thanks. That’s so helpful in remembering whose SINGING I liked and did not like.
This was kind of a crap episode.
Not much fun in that episode. Nothing unexpected, ballsy. Kind of heartbreaking for the girls that they didn’t even show.
Marialle is singing Roar by Katy Perry
Marialle doing Roar by Katy Perry