We have a real nomenclature problem this season. Fox is calling this “Top 9 Performs” but historically—well. Anyway. The theme tonight is 80s.
Reuben isn’t home yet so you have to deal with my unadulterated nonsense
I don’t think I like the scruffy Seacrest
And here’s the Hoff, for some reason
The Hoff demands we have fun like in the 80s, so, cocaine I guess?
Oh boy a Hoff medley!
Hoff is no Rick Astley
Ok, that’s mercifully over.
Oh boy. George. Is the mentor. Boy George. He used to be so pretty. All that plastic surgery. Sigh.
Oooh hilariously bad group sing! Of Karma Chameleon!
Harmonica guy rockin’ out
Did something happen to Boy George’s voice? He’s barely singing
Daniel is safe. BOOOOOOOOOO.
Oh GOD Daniel was born in 1999. I am so old. And also he’s the worst.
He’s singing a Hall & Oates song? Uggghhhhh.
Specifically, “You’re Making My Dreams Come True”
Well it started out less terrible than he has historically
I don’t know that I’d call it precisely good
People, stop voting for Daniel. It’s not funny.
Keith says if he could do three songs, the second and third songs would be ok. Sure. That’s reasonable. Let’s just let him keep singing until he does a decent job.
You know, or not
Quentin is safe (good)
I love his stupid hairy coat so much. He must be roasting though.
Quentin is singing Phil Collins’s “In the Air Tonight”
I think he’s doing a creditable job of it
And there’s that drum fill!
This is too good a performance to be stuck at the beginning of the show, in whatever the opposite of a pimp spot is
Harry criticizes his choices of slow or medium tempo songs. I dunno.
Quentin is wearing GIGANTIC platform sneakers
Joey is safe
Like Joey, I always wanted a chia pet
Shockingly Joey is doing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”
Oh man this is bad. Joey’s worst performance ever I think.
That was … I don’t even know. There was a reggae breakdown, it was manic. Bleh.
Tyanna is safe
Aaaand Tyanna has made the questionable decision to take on Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”
This is horribly out of tune.
Oh man. Off-key.
Jax is safe.
Jax is singing Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name”
This is… ok? Sometimes good but sometimes bad?
I was kind of afraid that this season would be a bunch of Jena Irene wannabes. Jax is kinda doing that. I mean, she’s fine, but she’s no Jena Irene.
Jax avoids sibilants by just making sh sounds instead of ss sounds
These young people interpret the 1980s as bad club remixes.
That’s not altogether surprising, I guess
Top 9 performs means we’re losing two people. Adanna is totally gone, right? So who else? I say Rayvon over Maddie, subjectively. Maddie maybe hangs on because she’s the only country girl left.
Top 9 performs means we’re losing two people. Adanna is totally gone, right? So who else? I say Rayvon, subjectively. Maddie maybe hangs on because she’s the only country girl left.
Nick is safe.
Nick is doing Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror”
So far this is like what the NKOTB version of this song would be.
I’m not feelin’ it.
The Michael Jackson version makes you feel something. This isn’t doing that for me.
This is at least in tune. But yeah, this is a theme park performance.
I think usually at this point in the season I can point to a few performances I really liked. I can’t do that this year. I really liked Fancy. That’s about it.
I guess Spinderella got a pink slip?
This didn’t need to happen
That was enjoyed by tens of people.
Spinderella: Hey guys, so we’re going on Idol tonight?
Salt N Pepa: Uh, yeah, WE are. Not you.
Clark is safe.
Who told Clark that Battleship isn’t for girls? What an ass.
And Lite Brite was awesome. So screw you to the max, Clark.
I use my penis when I play Battleship.
Nice reharmonization on this. I like it.
Yeah, so that one note was under a few cents, but I overall I dug it.
I normally withhold judgment, since things can change a lot, but at this point I’m having trouble seeing anybody but Clark winning.
Qaasim is safe.
And Qaasim is singing Addicted to Love.
This song is about the beat. You have to hit that cadence. He’s not doing that.
That got super weird at the end, too
When Robert Palmer sings it he’s staccato, he’s perfectly on the beat every time. That was kind of a travesty.
They revealed the bottom 3! It’s Maddie, Rayvon, and Adanna.
Rayvon is safe. Maddie and Adanna eliminated. See the article I published earlier today.
Boooooooo. Adanna even dressed up like Mickey Mouse!
I’m a little sad about Maddie, tbh.
Rayvon looks terrified
Again, this is overly legato.
The drummer is playing 4 on the floor. Listen to your band.
This is bad and boring and bad
I mean ok it’s not bad like Daniel is bad